Today is Wednesday and I am feeling better although somewhat vulnerable and fragile. Taking good care of myself, swaddled in comfort on the couch, watching old movies, napping  and doing anything else that feels good.

Sunday’s party knocked me off my feet. Literally, as I tripped over my little doxie, Noodle and fell flat on my face. Sometimes that is what takes to get you on the right path. A wake up call.

I keep humming Merle Haggard’s tune to myself. He said it best …”If we can make it through December, everything’s gonna be alright…..

For the first time in 137 days, I awoke this morning and the first words that popped out of my mouth were, “I love my life”. I said it without thinking and and really surprised myself with the joy I felt. What a wonderful feeling. There is indeed life after death … even the death of your soulmate, husband, and best friend. I knew this day would come and just kept putting one foot in front of the other until it arrived. It feels good … and comfortable.

After four months of being a blob unable to get motivated to get back into my art or really much of anything, I created a jumpstart… a deadline… signed up for two craft fairs. That was two weeks ago and I am back to my obsessive compulsive, wacky, crazy, eccentric art self. I wake up at 3:30 or 4 am and can’t wait to get in my studio and create! I feel whole again.

I am so busy now that I cannot get everything done that I want to. But the busyness is all good and rewarding. Here’s what I’m up to these days. It will make your head spin!

• Continuing work as a Standardized Patient at 4 medical schools
• A Teaching Assistant at one school where I teach first year medical students how to perform a head to toe physical exam.
• Volunteer Ushering at three different theaters (so I get to see the shows for free)
• Joined a grief group that meets every week
• Joined a book club that meets once a month
• Joined a storyteller group that meets once a month
• Volunteering at Ben Taub to nurture newborn babies in the NICU (starting in January)
• In a 5 year heart study at Memorial Hermann
• In a 4 month nutrition study at Baylor College of Medicine
• Have become a vegetarian
• Follow Eastern Philosophies
• Become an all-around happy person with a positive outlook on life

Yes … it is true … there is life after death (of a loved one) and I truly love my life.

Namaste

DeeDee

After Awhile
by Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn’t mean leaning
and company doesn’t always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren’t contracts
and presents aren’t promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman,
not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow’s ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn…

Today marks 4 months since my dear loved one transitioned back into the universe. Turning back into stardust with his spirit residing inside of me. I feel him every day and he still helps me live without his physical presence. I feel tickling, sparkling, comforting and embracing electrical charges from him constantly. He fills me with energy that keeps me breathing.

I didn’t think I could go on without him but I didn’t have to. I feel him everywhere, hear his beautiful voice singing to me, the chuckling belly laughter, and the corny jokes.

I find myself remembering all the things he used to say:

“Something beats nothing every time”
“What do you want for free, your money back”
“Half of one, six of the other”
“Hey, Cat Daddy”
“Hey, Daddy Jack Bird”
“Not if I see you first”, his reply if someone said “see ya later”
“If you are waiting on me, you’re backing up”
“What’s your scene?”

and on and on and on….. he had a million sayings…

When I really start missing his voice, I play his old phone messages and his recorded songs. Dancing wildly and singing along. Always cheers me up as tears roll down my cheeks, a mixture of joy, happiness and longing.

I am living, I am breathing, I am happy and I feel loved. Not only by him but by my many dear friends and relatives who accept me without judgement. Just the way I am.

I am a better person for having lived 39 years with such a special angel. I wouldn’t be me without the lessons he taught me. He lifted me up and was my biggest fan and cheerleader.

I miss you, sweet husband. Thanks for helping me to continue living my life to the fullest. The beat goes on…..

DeeDee

It has been joyous, sad, happy, miserable, blissful, excruciating and wonderful these last few months remembering my best friend, my pal, my husband. He is still with me ….. inside my body, part of my heart and my source of strength and fortitude. I miss him terribly and oscillate between happiness and the blues. Lately, as time passes, it is more happiness than sadness. Doesn’t really matter. I like to wallow in both.

I survived and passed my first big test with out him. Hurricane Harvey. My house did not flood but the property did. I was trapped and isolated in my home for 7 days. No way in or out. It was a chance to purge the pain and celebrate the memories. He would have been appalled at some of my “rigged” remedies to issues created by all the water. But they worked!

I am learning to do things for myself. I exhaust every possible solution to any problems before calling anyone. The internet is my friend and I just google my question and someone always answers with the solutions. I even repaired my satellite cable television when I could not get through by phone. Works great now. I do get frustrated quite often when I attempt to do something that he did and I just don’t have his strength. Time to firm up muscles at the gym.

101 days…. I can hardly believe it. I remember the Sunday after he died, I was so distraught and certain I could not exist without him. But I am a survivor and a warrior who will never give up or slow down.

Moving forward, never straight.

DeeDee

I always loved the humor of Steven Wright. Read and laugh and laugh and laugh…..

Here are some of the best!

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone. 

What’s another word for Thesaurus? 

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

The sky is falling…no, I’m tipping over backwards.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. 

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. 

There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. 

I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add to it.

— Steven Wright

In light of our present climate of social and political unrest, I found this comforting today. It is from thedailybuddha.com and no matter your religion or beliefs, I hope you find comfort in it too.

The core Buddhist philosophy is very relevant for today. The Buddha always encouraged open discussion which included differing viewpoints. He encouraged the individual at the same time as teaching compassion for all men, and was very democratic in his style.

Buddhism is also relevant for the scientific and technological era in which we now live. Albert Einstein is quoted as saying “if there is any religion that would cope with modern scientific needs it would be Buddhism”. The emphasis on the clarity of thought, of seeing and understanding, and of being aware of constant change are all fundamentals of a scientific approach.

Also, Buddhism offers a path, which provides guidelines for everyday living and for a caring approach to the environment. It shows us the way to live in harmony with others and the world we live in.

“My call for a spiritual revolution is thus not a call for a religious revolution. Nor is it a reference to a way of life that is somehow other-worldly, still less to something magical or mysterious. Rather, it is a call for a radical re-orientation away from our habitual preoccupation with self towards concern for the wider community of beings with whom we are connected, and for conduct which recognizes others’ interests alongside our own.” – His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama

I know we all have different religions and beliefs and I honor them all, but, really, isn’t it all about “the golden rule”? “Treat others as you wish to be treated” works every time and is present in all religions from the beginning of time.

Let us all share in the sentiment, shall we?

Day 70. Ten weeks gone by since I lost my best friend. I am actually doing okay. I have my moments but I am still joyous and grateful for the 39 years I got with my soul mate. He is within this house and within me.

I still get little signs that he is around. Some very touching and loving and some just straight out hilarious. Really? A pecan shell in my shoe? He loved pecans and constantly snacked on them.

I have given away some drums, shirts, shoes and jeans. It felt really good. One set to Willie Ornelas and another to Tony Braunagel. Both LA residents. They are some of Steve’s oldest friends (besides those few people he still knew from first grade). They go all the way back to their teens. Loyal, beautiful friends who support me in every step of this new journey.

As far as feeding all the animals, I have changed Steve’s tedious, time consuming feeding ritual with automatic feeders and a camera system to monitor them when I am away. They seem happy and realize it is just me and them now. The peacock, “Bird” has starting eating from my hand now, which he had never done before. He preferred Steve to me!

I am back and busy with my acting gig. It keeps me busy and provides that social interaction that I so need. I am used to being alone now but miss our long conversations where we solved all the world’s problems.

As far as my artwork and flute playing…. well, I just can’t bring myself to do any of it. I know it will change and I can feel that change coming. Today I picked up the flute and played “You are my Sunshine”. It always makes me feel better and puts a smile on my face.

I am zig zagging forward, never straight, and I am feeling alright.

DeeDee

Yesterday, I really had the blues and was missing my most loving and wonderful conversational partner. I think it was due to what I had on my agenda for the day. I had to drive to his home town, Texas City, to get a copy of his birth certificate, Harris County Clerk’s Office to get a copy of our marriage license and I had received the death certificates last Friday. I needed these three things to file a claim for the small burial policy we had bought when we first got married.

I left the house with tears streaming down my face just thinking of these three things I had to get. I didn’t think I could bear the pain and then when I turned the first corner — low and behold — there was a full rainbow in brilliant hues right in front of me. I cried even harder but my sad tears had turned to joy. Rainbow tears streaming down my face in gratitude for this most beautiful sign from my loved one. It was going to be all right, I thought.

After driving all over the place to get these necessary things, I headed home. I needed to fill out the claim forms and send in to the insurance company. I got home, sat at my desk and spread these three documents in front of me. On the left the birth certificate, on the right the death certificate and in the middle our marriage license. It spoke volumes to me. It was his whole life from beginning to end with me in between. A new set of tears sprang to my eyes. This was going to be harder than I thought.

I packed everything up in an envelope. One tiny envelope containing the three things that spanned 68 years. It should have been volumes and volumes and I guess it was, at least in my mind, but it seemed so small and he was so large.

I arrived at the post office in my little town where I know all the postal workers because I am in there quite frequently. They greeted me with smiles, gave me hugs and inquired how I was doing. The tears stopped and I felt loved. I mean, really, when your local post office treats you that way, you have got to know that you are special.

The day ended. I was glad it was over. And today is a new day.

Namaste

DeeDee