When a loved one dies, we are left with all their “stuff”. What to do with it? When to tackle it? When could I face it? It took months but I gradually managed the bulk of it in spurts, parting with a little at a time

I couldn’t sell a thing. I wanted to give his things away to those who knew and loved him. I call it “spreadin’ the love”.

One set of drums were shipped to Los Angeles for Willie Ornelas, another set resides at the childhood home of Tony Braunagel whose brother, Tim, keeps them in tip-top shape for when Tony is in town from LA.

Tim is wearing Steve’s old jeans and the ones he didn’t take were donated to Harvey Hurricane victims.

Tony is proudly sporting Steve’s favorite winter jacket that he had altered to fit him.

Uncle Joe has a beautiful white linen shirt I bought for Steve in Greece along with some of Steve’s favorite Tshirts.

Doug Alexander is the proud owner of the PA system along with some odds and ends musical stuff he wanted.

Brian Foresberg, Steve’s nephew,    took all of his favorite uncle’s shoes. His sister, Felice, has on display at her home, a handmade pair of boots Steve purchased back in the 60’s from a famous Texas boot maker.

But …. there were three things I just couldn’t let go of. His music studio, his little truck and his Yamaha set of gig drums. They were tied to my wounded heart and hadn’t yet reached their expiration date even 9 months after he passed.

A couple of weeks ago, a dear, dear, dear friend, Rock Romano, who was brother to Steve and me called to see if I wanted to sell Steve’s truck since he had been without a car for months. I said, “No, but you can borrow it”. He said he’d think about it but he really needed to purchase a vehicle.

I thought long and hard about it the rest of the day and ran it by some of my best friends. I called him that evening and told him, “I want to give you Steve’s truck”. It felt right, Steve wanted me too. I felt right with myself, Steve, the world and Rock.

What I realized as Rock drove away amidst my gush of tears was that the truck just sitting there day-after-day was depressing the hell out of me. It had been so active when Steve was alive. Going back and forth to town, to gigs and to rehearsals. By giving it to Rock (who insisted on paying me) I was relieved of the sadness and full of joy for Rock. Since Rock is a musician, it would now go to gigs, rehearsals, etc. once again. Oh happy day! Rock loves the truck and is busy fixing it up. He told me he had ridden with Steve so many times in the passenger seat of the truck and it was weird to be in the driver’s seat. He has told me he constantly feels Steve’s presence when he is in the truck.

Before Rock left, he asked me about the Yamaha drums. I said, “I just can’t let go right now”. That was two weeks ago.

Yesterday, I took the leap and cried all day. I took down the drums, cymbals and stands and put them in their cases. I started redecorating the studio to transform it into my art studio. I rolled up Steve’s carpets and laid down a new rug. Unable to do any more, I locked the door,went inside the house and let it all sink in among my river of tears.

Then, later in the afternoon, I called Rock and told him he could come get the drums. He said he would keep them for me forever. I love Rock so much. He recently lost a dear brother and we are together in friendship and grief.

My depression of seeing the truck parked in the driveway gathering dirt, the drums set up with no drummer and gathering dust, and the music studio without Steve in it has lifted.

I did it. I let go of hanging on and in the process spread some more of mine and Steve’s love.

Keep on keepin’ on. Keep on Spreadin’ the love.

DeeDee

 

 

 

 

I love my peacock, mainly because my husband loved him so much. When my husband was alive, the peacock had no interest in me. But after Steve passed, it only took a couple of months for “Bird” to warm up to me. Now we are best friends. When I see him, I can’t help thinking of my sweet man. 

I was curious about symbolism of the peacock in eastern philosophies so I researched it. What I found was images of a Being, playing a flute and wearing a crown of peacock feathers. Now I was really interested, since I play the flute.

According to my philosophical research, the heart is considered a reed. All our sufferings and mishaps make the reed hollow, boring holes in it for each sad thing that has happened to us. Now the heart can be played as a flute with your very own unique sounds. You created your own notes in the flute with your sorrows.

The plumes of peacock feathers that create a crown around the head represents the beautiful music you are now playing after all you have been through.

I truly “get” this and will forever think of my wounded heart as an instrument of beautiful sounds that are the result of my sufferings.

What a beautiful image to imagine.

DeeDee

If my studies of buddhist philosophy, have taught me anything, it is to let things go. After all, their over, right?

So often we just can’t let go and let “what is over” ruin “what’s happening right now.” Holding on to resentments or thoughts of unpleasant events that happened yesterday or yesteryear only hurts us and pretty much ruins our day.

We all go through times in life when other people say things or behave in a way that is hurtful towards us. We have a choice. We can choose to ruminate over these past actions or events or not. If we choose to ruminate, it will ultimately weigh us down and zap our strength.

Through choosing to let go of what doesn’t serve us anymore and concentrating on what is happening today, we can find a level of peace and happiness in the present circumstances of our lives. Now is all we will ever have.

I’ll be the first to admit that it is really difficult to begin this way of thinking. It took me a couple of years to get to the point of living in the present and letting that past undesirable stuff go. After all, it was over. Nothing I could do to change it. Why waste my new day?

For example, yesterday I was checking out at one of those self service checkouts at a local store. I entered cash back for $40.00. Got to talking to a stranger and forgot to take my cash. Of course when I went back later, it was gone. They have the person on video who took it. My thoughts….. either they really needed it and I helped them out or their karma will take care of it. And that was it. No worries. It was over.

I want to share with you my favorite simple Zen story which has a beautiful message about living in the present moment:

A senior monk and a junior monk were traveling together. At one point, they came to a river with a strong current. As the monks were preparing to cross the river, they saw a very young and beautiful woman also attempting to cross. The young woman asked if they could help her cross to the other side.

The two monks glanced at one another because they had taken vows not to touch a woman.

Then, without a word, the older monk picked up the woman, carried her across the river, placed her gently on the other side, and carried on his 
journey.

The younger monk couldn’t believe what had just happened. After rejoining his companion, he was speechless, and an hour passed without a word between them.

Two more hours passed, then three, finally the younger monk could contain himself any longer, and blurted out “As monks, we are not permitted to touch a woman, how could you then carry that woman on your shoulders?”

The older monk looked at him and replied, “Brother, I set her down on the other side of the river, why are you still carrying her?”

Hope you live, love and laugh today…

DeeDee

—

I have four books of daily readings that I read every morning: A Year with Rumi, a 13th century Persian poet,The Path to Tranquility: Daily Wisdom from the Dalai Lama, Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief, by Martha Hickman and Journey to the Heart: Daily Meditations on the Path to Freeing Your Soul by Melody Beattie. I highly recommend them all.

I especially love the wonderfully weird mystic, dervish, Persian poet from the 13th Century, Rumi, (who over 800 years later, is the best selling poet in America) . Rumi incorporated poetry, music and dance into religious practice. It is said, “Rumi would whirl while he was meditating and while composing poetry, which he dictated,” 

Jelaluddin Rumi, the 13th century mystic poet, was truly one of the most passionate and profound poets in history. Now, today his presence still remains strong, due in part to how his words seem to drip of the divine, and startle a profound remembrance that links all back to the Soul-Essence. Born in what is present day Afghanistan in 1207, he produced his master work the Masnawi which consists of over 60,000 poems before he died in 1273. Across time, place and culture, Rumi’s poems articulate what it feels like to be alive. There’s always a playfulness mixed in with the wisdom. He is the poet of joy and love.

Here’s my poem for today. For me it was so fitting:

My worst habit is I get so tired of winter
I become a torture to those I’m with

If you are not here, nothing grows
I lack clarity. My words
tangle and knot up

How to cure bad water? Send it back to the river
How to cure bad habits? Send me back to you.

When water gets caught in habitual whirlpools,
dig a way out through the bottom
to the ocean. There is a secret medicine 
given only to those who hurt so hard
they can’t hope.

The hopers would feel slighted if they knew.

Look as long as you can at the friend you love,
no matter whether that friend is moving away from you
or coming back toward you.

And in closing here is one of his sayings that I love:
“Out beyond ideas of wrong doing and right doing there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”

See you there,

DeeDee

I have learned that death is not a stopping point but a gate to pass through. I am discovering powers on this winding road beyond the gate.

Power to be honest, loving and kind.

Power to see and know the truth.

Power to accept.

Power to forgive.

Power to live.

Power to participate in the dance of universal love,
while the universe dances for me.

Just for me …..

DeeDee

 

 

 

 

After twelve years of Catholic School, I was no closer to believing their doctrine than I was in second grade when I deemed Catholicism not logical or practical for me. I believe in scientific knowledge. That’s why my higher power is the abundance of stars and galaxies in the Universe. It is all about energy.

I spent many years looking into other belief systems but could never suspend my disbelief of deities.  Several years ago I discovered that the teachings of the Eastern philosophies were the answer. I share these thoughts with you and what comes through loud and clear is that all religions want the same thing. Happiness and freedom from suffering. Enjoy …

Buddhism is about realization and experience, not institutions or divine authority. This makes it especially suited to those who consider themselves spiritual but not religious.

There is no Buddhist God.
Different schools of Buddhism have different views about who the Buddha was. One thing is certain: he was not a God, deity, or divine being. His faculties were purely human, any of us can follow his path, and our enlightenment will be exactly the same as his. Ultimately, we are no different from him, and vice versa.

It’s about your basic goodness.
Buddhism is not about salvation or original sin. It’s not about becoming somebody different or going somewhere else. Because both you and your world are basically good. With all its ups and downs, this world of ours works. It warms us; it feeds us; it offers us color, sound, and touch. We don’t have to struggle against our world. It is neither for us nor against us. It is a simple, vivid world of direct experience we can investigate, care for, enjoy and live within.

The problem is suffering.
The answer is waking up. Buddhism exists to address one problem: suffering. The Buddha called the truth of suffering “noble,” because recognizing our suffering is the starting place and inspiration of the spiritual path. His second noble truth was the cause of suffering. In the West, Buddhists call this “ego.” It’s a small word that encompasses pretty much everything that’s causes us difficulty internally and globally. All suffering, large and small, starts with our false belief in a solid, separate, and continuous “I,” whose survival we unknowingly devote our lives to.

The way to do that is by working with your mind.
So, according to the Buddha, the problem is suffering, the cause is ignorance, the remedy is waking up, and the path is living mindfully, meditating, and cultivating our wisdom. There’s really only one place all that happens: in our minds. The mind is the source of both our suffering and our joy. Meditation — taming the mind — is what gets us from one to the other. Meditation is Buddhism’s basic remedy for the human condition, and its special genius.

No one can do it for you. But you can do it.
In Buddhism, there is no savior. There’s no one who’s going to do it for us, no place we can hide out for safety. We have to face reality squarely, and we have to do it alone. Even when Buddhists take refuge in the Buddha, what they’re really taking refuge in is the truth that there’s no refuge. Not seeking protection is the only real protection.So that’s the bad news — we have to do it alone. The good news is, we can do it. As human beings, we have the resources we need: intelligence, strength, loving hearts, and proven, effective methods. Because of that, we can rouse our confidence and renounce our depression and resentment.

There is a spiritual, nonmaterial reality.
Some people describe Buddhism as a rational, “scientific” philosophy, helping us lead better and more caring lives without contradicting our modern worldview. It is certainly true that many Buddhist practices work very nicely in the modern world, don’t require any exotic beliefs, and bring demonstrable benefit to people’s lives. But that’s only part of the story.Buddhism definitely asserts there is a reality that is not material. Other religions say this too; the difference is that in Buddhism, this spiritual reality is not a God. It is mind (and some consider these God/Mind the same).

Buddhism offers a wealth of skillful means for different people’s needs.
Buddhism is not a one-path-fits-all system. It’s highly pragmatic, because it’s about whatever helps reduce suffering. Today, people who want to explore Buddhism have many resources at their disposal. For the first time in history, all the schools and traditions of Buddhism are gathered in one place. There are fine books, excellent teachers (many of them now American), practice centers, communities, and blogs and the new kid on the block, YouTube.Whatever works for you — no pressure.

It’s open, progressive, and not institutional.
Identities of all sorts, including gender, nationality, ethnicity, and even religion, are not seen as fixed and ultimately true. Yet they are not denied; differences are acknowledged, celebrated, and enjoyed. Buddhism has been described as disorganized religion. There’s no Buddhist pope. (No, the Dalai Lama is not the head of world Buddhism. He’s not even the head of all Tibetan Buddhism, just of one sect.) There is no overarching church, just a loose collection of different schools and communities.

It works.
What we find is that Buddhism works. For millennia, Buddhism has been making people more aware, caring, and skillful. All you have to do is meet someone who’s been practicing to know that. In our own time, hundreds of thousands of Americans are reporting that even a modest Buddhist practice has made their life better — they’re calmer, happier, and not as carried away when strong emotions arise. They’re kinder to themselves and others.

But it’s really important not to burden ourselves with unrealistic expectations. Don’t expect perfection. We’re working with patterns of ignorance, greed, and anger that have developed over a lifetime — if not much longer. Change comes slowly for most of us. But it does come. If you stick with it, that’s guaranteed. Buddhism works.

This is not an attempt to convert anyone to Buddhism. There is no need for that. But those who think of themselves as spiritual but not religious can find a lot in Buddhism to help them on their personal path, however they define it.

From thedailybuddha.com

I welcome your thoughts and the sharing of your beliefs ….

DeeDee

Yes, I have been missing in action from this blog. The holidays were incredibly painful and absolutely awful for me. My sadness and grief began the day after my last gumbo party. It was my love’s 69th birthday, December 18. I cried the whole day and pretty much through the rest of December and all the way through January.

January has always been a blue month for me, but this one was blue black. It has been 8 months since I lost my sweet man but for some reason the finality of it did not fully hit me until the first day of the first month of the first year living without him.

I have worked on my psyche and mental health now for over a week and today being the last day of January I am happy to announce I’M BACK!

Since sort of being in a holding pattern after his death, I am changing things for the better and for ME. I gave away the couch (where he died) and our bed and bought new ones.  I have been cleaning out every drawer, closet, chest, bookshelf and cabinet. Changing it all up. Rearranging rugs and furniture, too.

I had not been able to even enter Steve’s studio and stay for more than 5 minutes. It was frozen in time with everything just the way he left it. I needed to do something about it.  Luckily, a dear friend came over and took all the rest of the musical gear and is spreading the love by giving it away or selling it dirt cheap. Thanks, sweet Doug. That felt so good and was just the incentive I needed.

I bought a bunch of chalk paint and am going to paint and distress lots of my furniture in all different colors. some I’ll paint as folk art. I am moving my arts and crafts to the studio and bought colorful bins to store them on the many shelves that used to hold musical equipment. I am turning the space into mine. It’s about time.

I still have my days when I sometimes feel hopeless, helpless or question how on earth I can go on without him but they are beginning to be fewer and far between.

I know my dear husband wants this for me so for the rest of my life, ……

I’m staying alive,

DeeDee

I find single pennies in odd places about three or four times a week. They are little “thinking of you” and “I’m right here” reminders from my dear husband’s energy and soul that he will be by my side for as long as I need him. That might just be forever.

Some believe that these “pennies from heaven” are real messages and reassurances from loved ones who have passed on.Years ago, I would have poo-pooed the notion as being wishful thinking. But after my parents died, I would find dimes, quarters and single dollar bills in unusual places. That lasted for about a year. But now, only 7 months after losing my husband, I find pennies only, in our house, outside, or in his studio. I believe with all my heart that these are sent from him.

Just this morning I dropped my contact lens on the bathroom floor. He was always the expert at finding my lost contact lenses. I freaked out and felt myself entering into a mild panic. I said to myself, “Come on, Steve, I need your help”. I got down on my knees, eyes level with the floor, and started looking for the tiny lens. I found it right away. Stuck in a corner. And right next to it was a penny.

What a great way to start the day.

DeeDee

I’m sure you have had those days where you feel exhausted but actually did nothing all day. I know I have. In fact, this week, when I was grieving for my husband for three days, I felt like I had been hit by a truck. But… I had done nothing but lay on the couch. Thursday I arose from the dead, and became super energized. Started planning Spring cleaning and it was still December! The more I did, the more energy I had. Even had trouble staying asleep because I had so many things I wanted to do and my brain would not shut up!

Why does this happen? Well, according to psychological research, mental tiredness (which also affects us physically) is the product of a day filled with wasted thought, anxiety, worry and/or resentment. These negative feelings sap us of our energy, mental clarity and leave us with the feelings of an exhausting day.

It is in our nature to search for mental or physical stimuli. When it doesn’t happen, we get into a “boredom” mode, which tells you nothing fun or exciting will happen. in this mode we decrease the levels of dopamine in our brain, which is an important neurotransmitter in our reward/motivation system, and the effects of such a drop in dopamine levels will impact the body. Thus, exhaustion.

If we can awaken to these moments, let go of our resistance to trying days and times, we may still have moments of physical tiredness but they will not have the sledge hammer effect upon our mental state that doing nothing causes. And, we will indeed not feel so drained and exhausted.

If you are feeling this way, get up, get going, pick one thing and do that, pick another and do that and on and on. Before you know it you will be bounding with energy and the dopamine will be increasing exponentially.

You will feel better, I promise. It always works for me but sometimes it requires a kickstart to my brain neurotransmitters to get going. Jumper cables, so to speak.

Happy Day,

DeeDee

 

 

The stages of grief were developed by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross over 30 years ago, as she listened to and observed people living with terminal diagnoses. Since the publication of her book On Death and Dying, the “stages of grief,” as they are known, have become the gauge by which all grief is measured. What began as a way to understand the emotions of the dying became a way to strategize grief: The griever is expected to move through a series of clearly delineated stages, eventually arriving at “acceptance,” at which time their “grief work” is complete.

Were it only that easy.

The stages are taught in grief and loss workshops. They come up in pop psychology and in clinical, scientific studies. The stages of grief are everywhere.

What this means is that many people, even professional psychologists, believe there is a right way and a wrong way to grieve, that there is an orderly and predictable pattern that everyone will go through, and if you don’t progress correctly, you are failing at grief. You must move through these stages completely, or you will never heal.

I call bullshit

I did not go through stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance).after my husband died six months ago. What I felt was a mixture of sadness and gratefulness. Sad that he was gone but grateful I had shared his life for almost 40 years.

No one has the right to tell you how to grieve. Certainly not a bunch of old fart psychologists seated around a table in a conference room over 30 years ago. Grief is different for everyone and in my case, it is like the most extreme rollercoaster ride you can imagine. Way, way up, then, way, way down. Shooting around corners and coming to a halt, only to begin again.

As people, we want a clearly delineated set of steps or stages that will guarantee a successful end to the pain of grief. The truth is, grief is as individual as love: every life, every path, is unique. There is no predictable pattern, and no linear progression. Despite what many “experts” say, there are no stages of grief.

In Kubler-Ross’s defense, she said the stages of grief were not meant to tell you what you feel, what you should feel, and when exactly you should feel it. They were not meant to dictate whether you are doing your grief “correctly” or not. They were meant to normalize a deeply not-normal time. They were meant to give comfort. Ms. Ross’ work was meant as a kindness.

Except that this isn’t how grief goes.

Grief is the natural response when someone you love is torn from your life. It is a natural process: a process of the heart being smashed and broken open, of reality shifting and hurling in place. There is no order or stages.

To do grief “well” depends solely on individual experience. It means listening to your own reality. It means acknowledging pain and love and loss. It means allowing the truth of these things the space to exist without any artificial restraints or stages or requirements.

Each grief is unique, as each love is unique. There are no stages capable of containing all the experiences of love and pain. Furthermore, there is no “closure.” Grief is part of love, and love evolves. Even acceptance is not final: It continuously shifts and changes.

Your love, and your grief, are bigger than any stage could ever be. The only way to contain it is to let it be free.

Adapted from a Huffington Post Article by Megan Divine (2014)