When a loved one dies, we are left with all their “stuff”. What to do with it? When to tackle it? When could I face it? It took months but I gradually managed the bulk of it in spurts, parting with a little at a time

I couldn’t sell a thing. I wanted to give his things away to those who knew and loved him. I call it “spreadin’ the love”.

One set of drums were shipped to Los Angeles for Willie Ornelas, another set resides at the childhood home of Tony Braunagel whose brother, Tim, keeps them in tip-top shape for when Tony is in town from LA.

Tim is wearing Steve’s old jeans and the ones he didn’t take were donated to Harvey Hurricane victims.

Tony is proudly sporting Steve’s favorite winter jacket that he had altered to fit him.

Uncle Joe has a beautiful white linen shirt I bought for Steve in Greece along with some of Steve’s favorite Tshirts.

Doug Alexander is the proud owner of the PA system along with some odds and ends musical stuff he wanted.

Brian Foresberg, Steve’s nephew,    took all of his favorite uncle’s shoes. His sister, Felice, has on display at her home, a handmade pair of boots Steve purchased back in the 60’s from a famous Texas boot maker.

But …. there were three things I just couldn’t let go of. His music studio, his little truck and his Yamaha set of gig drums. They were tied to my wounded heart and hadn’t yet reached their expiration date even 9 months after he passed.

A couple of weeks ago, a dear, dear, dear friend, Rock Romano, who was brother to Steve and me called to see if I wanted to sell Steve’s truck since he had been without a car for months. I said, “No, but you can borrow it”. He said he’d think about it but he really needed to purchase a vehicle.

I thought long and hard about it the rest of the day and ran it by some of my best friends. I called him that evening and told him, “I want to give you Steve’s truck”. It felt right, Steve wanted me too. I felt right with myself, Steve, the world and Rock.

What I realized as Rock drove away amidst my gush of tears was that the truck just sitting there day-after-day was depressing the hell out of me. It had been so active when Steve was alive. Going back and forth to town, to gigs and to rehearsals. By giving it to Rock (who insisted on paying me) I was relieved of the sadness and full of joy for Rock. Since Rock is a musician, it would now go to gigs, rehearsals, etc. once again. Oh happy day! Rock loves the truck and is busy fixing it up. He told me he had ridden with Steve so many times in the passenger seat of the truck and it was weird to be in the driver’s seat. He has told me he constantly feels Steve’s presence when he is in the truck.

Before Rock left, he asked me about the Yamaha drums. I said, “I just can’t let go right now”. That was two weeks ago.

Yesterday, I took the leap and cried all day. I took down the drums, cymbals and stands and put them in their cases. I started redecorating the studio to transform it into my art studio. I rolled up Steve’s carpets and laid down a new rug. Unable to do any more, I locked the door,went inside the house and let it all sink in among my river of tears.

Then, later in the afternoon, I called Rock and told him he could come get the drums. He said he would keep them for me forever. I love Rock so much. He recently lost a dear brother and we are together in friendship and grief.

My depression of seeing the truck parked in the driveway gathering dirt, the drums set up with no drummer and gathering dust, and the music studio without Steve in it has lifted.

I did it. I let go of hanging on and in the process spread some more of mine and Steve’s love.

Keep on keepin’ on. Keep on Spreadin’ the love.

DeeDee