The stages of grief were developed by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross over 30 years ago, as she listened to and observed people living with terminal diagnoses. Since the publication of her book On Death and Dying, the “stages of grief,” as they are known, have become the gauge by which all grief is measured. What began as a way to understand the emotions of the dying became a way to strategize grief: The griever is expected to move through a series of clearly delineated stages, eventually arriving at “acceptance,” at which time their “grief work” is complete.

Were it only that easy.

The stages are taught in grief and loss workshops. They come up in pop psychology and in clinical, scientific studies. The stages of grief are everywhere.

What this means is that many people, even professional psychologists, believe there is a right way and a wrong way to grieve, that there is an orderly and predictable pattern that everyone will go through, and if you don’t progress correctly, you are failing at grief. You must move through these stages completely, or you will never heal.

I call bullshit

I did not go through stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance).after my husband died six months ago. What I felt was a mixture of sadness and gratefulness. Sad that he was gone but grateful I had shared his life for almost 40 years.

No one has the right to tell you how to grieve. Certainly not a bunch of old fart psychologists seated around a table in a conference room over 30 years ago. Grief is different for everyone and in my case, it is like the most extreme rollercoaster ride you can imagine. Way, way up, then, way, way down. Shooting around corners and coming to a halt, only to begin again.

As people, we want a clearly delineated set of steps or stages that will guarantee a successful end to the pain of grief. The truth is, grief is as individual as love: every life, every path, is unique. There is no predictable pattern, and no linear progression. Despite what many “experts” say, there are no stages of grief.

In Kubler-Ross’s defense, she said the stages of grief were not meant to tell you what you feel, what you should feel, and when exactly you should feel it. They were not meant to dictate whether you are doing your grief “correctly” or not. They were meant to normalize a deeply not-normal time. They were meant to give comfort. Ms. Ross’ work was meant as a kindness.

Except that this isn’t how grief goes.

Grief is the natural response when someone you love is torn from your life. It is a natural process: a process of the heart being smashed and broken open, of reality shifting and hurling in place. There is no order or stages.

To do grief “well” depends solely on individual experience. It means listening to your own reality. It means acknowledging pain and love and loss. It means allowing the truth of these things the space to exist without any artificial restraints or stages or requirements.

Each grief is unique, as each love is unique. There are no stages capable of containing all the experiences of love and pain. Furthermore, there is no “closure.” Grief is part of love, and love evolves. Even acceptance is not final: It continuously shifts and changes.

Your love, and your grief, are bigger than any stage could ever be. The only way to contain it is to let it be free.

Adapted from a Huffington Post Article by Megan Divine (2014)