I always loved the humor of Steven Wright. Read and laugh and laugh and laugh…..

Here are some of the best!

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone. 

What’s another word for Thesaurus? 

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

The sky is falling…no, I’m tipping over backwards.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. 

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. 

There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. 

I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add to it.

— Steven Wright