We all know that “bad stuff happens” in our lives and we most certainly will instantly react to it. It can cause pain and suffering. It happens to me all the time and I used to get really upset for days. Then  I discovered what Radical Acceptance is all about.

Radical Acceptance is about accepting your life and not resisting what you can’t change. It is about saying yes to your life just as it is. Easy to say, not so easy to do.

You feel sadness and pain when something adverse happens. Suffering is what you do to yourself from the pain and the interpretation you put on your pain. Pain is not optional but suffering is. It is hard to accept what you don’t want to be true.

People may say, “I can’t believe this is happening” or “This isn’t fair”. It is almost like people think that not believing it will keep it from being true. They don’t want to accept it and think by accepting it they are agreeing with it.  It is extremely hard just to roll over and accept the pain but, I can tell you, it is far worse, not to do so. Not accepting doesn’t change the situation. It only adds to your pain and suffering.

This is part of my effort to “be real” and live an authentic life. It is exhausting to fight reality and it doesn’t work. Accepting reality is difficult when painful things happen in your life but these things are part of your life. When you try to resist those powerful emotions you are selling yourself short and only adding to the suffering. You might even make matters worse than they are by building it up in your mind and thoughts that are unrealistic. You can stop all this by practicing acceptance.

Our lives are filled with joy as well as pain. If you push away or don’t accept the pain, then your joy will be diminished because you still carry these negative emotions inside you. If you avoid your feelings of pain, it can cause even bigger problems such as depression and anxiety. It can even lead to self-destructive behavior such as using illegal substances or drinking alcohol. You might think that these actions help you avoid the pain but really you are only making the situation worse.

A way to accept life’s undesirable events is to just say, “Okay, I am in this. I am part of it. I don’t like it at all. But I can’t change what happened.” It is over. Putting yourself in extreme anxiety and a full blown frenzy is not going to make the traffic go away, make the light change, or get to where you are going sooner. It only makes you more upset. You are going to get there anyway, sooner or later and accepting it makes the ride easier. You are still disappointed but by not adding stress and worry to the situation it doesn’t get to the point where your head is about to blow up. Plus the added benefit is that you are practicing for acceptance when more upsetting things happen in your life.

We all have to experience loss of a loved one and may express disbelief. “I can’t believe they are gone”. Accepting it doesn’t mean you don’t feel pain but you will begin to heal immediately. Resisting reality will just delay the healing and add suffering to your pain.

Radical acceptance is not easy to practice and it took me about 8 months to change my thinking. I am so glad I did the work. I can now face any situation with acceptance, and yes some pain, but hardly any suffering. It is the suffering part we want to lose. When something adverse happens in my life, I just say to myself, “It’s over”, knowing I cannot change what happened and need to just move on.

I am mostly a happy, positive person but I want you to know that acceptance isn’t about always being positive, or optimistic, or glass half full. It is simply seeing things exactly how they are — even the shitty things — and just going forward. Acceptance is not feeling defeated or to avoid changes, it allows us to make these changes more effectively. We are not wasting our precious time and energy denying what is, or trying to change what happened.

Acceptance is nothing more than observation about the situation without judgement. It allows for a deeper and truer observation than you would have otherwise.

I’m still learning and sometimes when “shit happens”, it may take a few minutes, hours or days for my acceptance to kick in, but I can tell you, since I have been doing this, my life is more full of joy than I ever would have thought possible. Go for it!

DeeDee

Sources:

Linehan, M. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy of Borderline Personality Disorder. New York: The Guilford Press, 1993

McCay, M., Wood, J. C., & Bentley, J. (2007) The dialectical behavior therapy skills workbook, Oakland, CA; New Harbinger Publications.