The heading is a line from a country rock song that my husband’s band performed years ago. I always loved it and use it as one of my mantras to live my life. I couldn’t find the lyrics or the author of the song and these are the only words I remember, but it is enough. What else can you ask of yourself or others than to “be real”.

Being real is being authentic. Like many ways you might want to be, authenticity isn’t something you have or don’t have. It is a conscious choice of how you want to live your life. If you choose it, it is a way to just show up and be real. The choice to be honest and true. To let your true self be seen. Warts and all.

It isn’t necessarily an easy thing to be. On any given day we can sell ourselves out and be anybody people need us to be. That’s how I lived my first 25 years on the planet. I was so insecure in my own realness, that I could easily adapt and morph into whatever the situation called for. I was an Academy Award winning actress. It wasn’t until I sought psychotherapy at 25 that I found my true self and the art of living life being real and authentic. But like I said, it isn’t easy. I still can willfully slip into actress mode if I don’t want to be real in difficult situations.

I would say that most of us are drawn to authentic people and would aspire to be that way. However it is extremely difficult to be that way in our present culture of “fitting in” and “people pleasing”. We want to be or have what our culture praises as success. Choosing to be authentic can be comforting and exhausting all at the same time.

I like this definition of authenticity taken from the book The Gifts of Imperfection by author, Brene Brown: “Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we thing we are supposed to be and just embracing who we are.”  We must cultivate the courage and strength to be less than perfect and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable.

This quote from E. E. Cummings about being real perfectly sums up what we are up against in just trying to be real: To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing it’s best, night and day, to make you everybody but yourself — means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight — and never stop fighting. Being and staying real may be the hardest battle we ever encounter.

But, you might ask, how can we be authentic without sounding selfish or narcissistic? Here’s a few tips, again from the book, Gifts of Imperfection:
• Don’t make people feel uncomfortable but be honest.
• Don’t upset anyone or hurt anyone’s feelings but say what is on your mind.
• Sound informed and educated but not like a know-it-all.
• Don’t say anything unpopular or controversial but have the courage to disagree with the crowd.
In other words, be real, but don’t be mean or self-righteous!

It can feel unsafe to choose authenticity. In many cases being real over not being popular is dangerous territory. We have to step out of our warm and cozy comfort zone and have the strength to withstand the chance of getting knocked down.  And when people do strike out and attack or criticize us while we are speaking out, they are taking the easy way out. Cruelty is cheap and easy. It is also chicken-shit. Especially when you attack someone anonymously like technology allows us to do daily on social media. We have a choice. Just don’t go there. If you can’t say something nice and supportive, don’t say anything at all. Right?

Authenticity involves the risk of putting your true self out in the world. But really, isn’t it more risky to hide inside yourself and not deliver the knowledge you possess to insert new ideas or ways of thinking into another person’s brain?

According to Brene Brown, we should be born with a warning label that reads: CAUTION: If you trade in your authenticity for safety, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief. Sacrificing who we are for the sake of what other people think just isn’t worth it.

In the end, being real, true and authentic is the best gift we can give ourselves and the people we love. It is okay to feel anxious or shy to reach out or expose something about ourselves. An interpersonal awkwardness is a part of being human.

Gain the power of authenticity. If you choose it you are embracing your truth and being fearless enough to share it with the world. When you have nothing to hide and you can feel free to be yourself with everyone — there is profound peace and confidence you will exude to the world.

As Oscar Wilde once said: Be yourself, everyone else is taken.

Namaste, DeeDee